For Grandparents

Congratulations on becoming a Grandparent! Whether it is your first Grandbaby or you have had the great fortune of having many others it is never the less special and magical each time a new little one is born.

I had three children in about three years. And it took me that many kids and that much time to realize that just as you don’t become a parent overnight, you don’t become a grandparent either. When my first child was born I was living out of state from my mother. She would visit and just hold that baby, just sing to him and coo and rock him and soak him up. Which was all fine and well, but meanwhile I was running around cleaning and cooking and doing all of the necessary things for the house and my husband. I didn’t have the luxury, or didn’t create it for myself, of just spending a whole day holding him. I remember being slightly jealous and irritated with her. But in her mind, she was helping and by God she was a first time Grandmother! No one was going to stop her from loving up that child! However I spent most of her visits wanting her to leave so I could have my baby back! And that made me feel like a terrible daughter at a time when I already felt like a floundering mother! However there was a pivotal moment with my second child who was born just 14 months after the first, where I upon walking past my bedroom door I looked in and noticed that my bed was made. I hadn’t gotten into a made bed in weeks! And she had done it. Not a big deal, she noticed it was a mess and fixed it. I am not sure if I even have ever told her how much that meant to me, but looking back I think it was a real turning point for us, in our new relationship not as mother and daughter but as mother and grandmother. She became more aware of my needs, and more in tune with the power she had to oversee things for me and to help me in ways that she knew I would appreciate, knowing me as well as she does. Things that I would have never in million years asked her to do. Thank you for that Mom!

Since you have paid your dues and done your postpartum penance you are now free to simply enjoy this little bundle and marvel at your child as they acclimate and evolve into their new role as parent. And in the process of doing so you might be surprised to encounter some post partum blues, or reds of your own. Maybe you take it personally if your son or daughter rejects your advice, or feel insulted if they try to do things a little bit differently than you did. I remember my own mother throwing her hands up, frustrated that I was doing “what the book said” and not taking her advice. She commented that she must have done something right since I was actually here in this world. And of course she did and of course you did. Just because your son or daughter doesn’t do what you did or listen to what you have to say doesn’t mean that they know more than you or are going to do it better than you did. Chances are they are just struggling to identify their own parenting style and find a way that works for them in a world that is very different than it was even 20-30 years ago. There are so many more books and influences these days that often contradict each other and confuse new moms and dads. It can be very challenging for a new mom to hear her own voice through the midst of it all.

Seeing your child become a new parent might also awaken in you feelings that you have quieted regarding your own birth experience, relationships with your parents who may have past away, or your marriage during those challenging years. It is important for you to live through that again and to reconnect with that part of you that probably feels so far away. You might remember details and things that you had thought you had forgotten. Memories of your children as babies or even a fight you had with your husband! Allow yourself the private time to go back to that place, or if appropriate share it with your son or daughter. Keep in mind that you cannot rewrite your history by trying to undo the past and create what you did or didn’t have for your child as they become a parent. This is their journey and what they won’t need is you reminding them of how hard you had it and how much easier it is for them. Or to criticize their spouse for what they are or are not doing. That being said you are a wealth of knowledge and the very best resource for these new parents. Please share what worked for you and what didn’t work and keep in mind that they might reject your advice and that that is okay. This is their journey. Just as exciting it was to watch them learn to walk as babies themselves and suffer the falls and bruises because of it, so too will they find their way as parents. Lend your support and guidance and watch them thrive!

If you are near by and can help with the baby, or are visiting for a short or extended stay here are some helpful tips to guide you through this tired and exciting time!

Helpful tips for new Grandparents!